Hodgepodge

The next time you wash your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:

* Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

* Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.

* Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.

* There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

* The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors. That would get slippery in the winter when wet , so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a ...thresh hold.

* In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old".

* Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon". They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat".

* Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

* Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "the upper crust".

* Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were "laid out" on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of "holding a wake".

* England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night .. thus ... the "graveyard shift" ... to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell", or was considered "a dead ringer".

Don't be ashamed to take a quick snooze on your lunch break... Several famous people regularly took naps including:

Deloitte Consulting in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, was has designed special "napnasiums" for the comfort of their employees. The company made Fortune Magazine's list of the best 100 US companies to work for in 2003, so its enlightened attitude to work naps seems to be reaping rewards.

AS SMART AS YOU ARE....I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS!!

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest % of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%. (Now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%.

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 &lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of cards represents a great king from history:

· Spades - King David,

· Hearts - Charlemagne,

· Clubs - Alexander, the Great

· Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?

A. Conception.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers dishwashers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?

A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?

A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the "mind your P's and Q's."

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

The year is 1902 , one little over a hundred years ago ... what a difference a century makes. Here are the U.S. statistics for 1902.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

Deep Thoughts

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer" -- Dave Barry

Seen on the back of a biker's vest: "If you can read this, my wife fell off."

"Never test the depth of the water with both feet."

"Your number two is our number one." -- Ad on the side of a septic service truck

"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" -- Tommy Smothers

"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead." -- Unknown

"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." -- Sam Levenson

"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do?" --Ronnie Shakes

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

"It's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages." -- Unknown

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." -- Unknown

"Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" -- George Carlin

"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way." -- Henny Youngman

Man: "I'm neurotic. I need to see other women."
Woman: "I'm schizophrenic. I am other women." -- Richard Jeni

"We Cheat the Other Guy and Pass the Savings on to You!" -- Slogan for Chilkoot Charlie's; a dining establishment in Alaska.

"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts." -- Norm Peterson on Cheers.

"Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke." -- Unknown

"Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. 'That's a good point, Sparky.' 'No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.'" -- From a list called "How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace"

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less." -- Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"If a man makes a statement in the woods, and there is no woman around to hear it, is he still wrong?" -- Submitted by David G. Kincaid

"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station..."

"A day without sunshine is like, night." -- Unknown

"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car." - Bumper sticker

Small Company's Slogan: "Remember: if it's in stock, we have it!!"

"Anyone who thinks he or she is indispensable should stick a finger in a bowl of water and notice the hole it leaves when it is pulled out." -- Harvey Mackay

"First, become invincible." -- Sun Tau, 2500 B.C.

"I just got back from a pleasure trip; I took my mother-in-law to the airport." -- Henny Youngman

"A woman's place is in control." -- Bumper sticker

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." --Jonathan Katz

"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." - Jim Finks, General Manager of the New Orleans Saints, in 1986, when asked what he thought of the referees.

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record to begin the 1992 season: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Leslie Droll, a breast cancer survivor, on how her life changed after treatment (quoted in the October 1997 issue of Quality Progress):
"Before my priorities were family, money, profession, and God. Now they are God, family, ice cream and vacation."

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met." - Unknown

"If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?" - Unknown

"If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it." - Scott Adams, creator of "Dilbert".

"Men are idiots and I married their King". - Bumper sticker

"ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI." - Slogan on a tee shirt

"The scientific theory I like the best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." - Mark Russell

"Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should be happier than others." - Oscar Wilde

"While you are away, movie stars are taking your women. Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend. Tom Selleck is kissing your lady. Bart Simpson is making love to your wife." -- "Baghdad Betty", an Iraqi radio announcer, trying to demoralize American Gulf War troops

"It's not school I hate -- it's the principal of the thing!"

"Minnesota voters played a major role in the victory of that state's gubernatorial primary elections yesterday." - National Rifle Association press release

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Attributed to Brooke Shields

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. . . . The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but they can't remember what they are." - Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country" - Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"We had an empire to run." - John Cleese, responding to the question "Why does British food suck?"

Suggestion for a bumper sticker (from a local newspaper): "Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot."

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Attributed to Mariah Carey

"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know?" - George Bush, quoted in the "Stupidest Things Ever Said"

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?" - Steven Wright

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." - Phyllis Diller

"A genius is somebody who thinks exactly as I do." - Unknown

British Admiralty Instructions dealing with the storage of warheads and torpedoes (from the "Stupidest Things Ever Said"):
"It is necessary for technical reasons that these warheads should be stored with the top at the bottom, and the bottom at the top. In order that there may be no doubt as to which is the top and which is the bottom, for storage purposes, it will be seen that the bottom of each head has been labeled with the word TOP."

"You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be." - Dan Quayle, addressing a group of Samoan people

"It is solemnly hoped that someday a genius will come along and invent something that will make golf unnecessary." - Unknown

"Market research firms tend to serve the same function for the high-tech industry as a lamppost does for a drunk". - Unknown

"I shot an arrow, through the air, And where it lands, I do not care. . .
I get my arrows wholesale!" - Curly Howard, The Three Stooges

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers

"Never go into the cattle raising business; you might get a bum steer (and you'll be beefing about it for a long time)." - Unknown

"Loquacity is the fistula of the mind." - Unknown

"Quoting someone else is always a good idea. If it sounds good, you get the credit. If it's stupid, you didn't say it." - Unknown

"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently, there must be a beverage." - Woody Allen

"He who lives in glass house better dress in the basement." - Unknown

One man's excuse for running a stop sign: "I don't believe everything I read." - Unknown

"If a cat always lands on its feet, and bread always lands buttered side down, what would happen if you buttered your bread and strapped it on the back of a cat?" - Michael Davis

"Mister, Mister, I haven't tasted food in three days!" says Curly. The stranger replies, "Don't worry it still tastes the same." - From a Three Stooges episode

#10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a @#$%?*! box all day long.

#9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.

#7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!

An Error Has Occurred...

I walked into the club and sat down heavily in a chair by the fire alone. The trip from Athens had been tiring, even on the Express. I raised my hand to beckon the waiter. I needed a drink.

I sat there, staring at the fire in front of me and trying my very best to remain unnoticed by the other members of the club. The sound of footsteps pulled me from my thoughts and I looked up, expecting the waiter. I was not so pleasantly surprised.

The man was Major Henry Douglass. He was from an old family, with good connections and his family's wealth intact. He was also irrepressibly jovial, brave in the face of danger (as I knew first-hand from the Great War just a few years ago), bound to duty, honor and all that rot. Douglass was the type of Englishman that gave us both our best reputation and our worst. He was now exhibiting the lesser side of his character, the gossipy curiosity.

"So," he said as he maneuvered himself to the front of the wing chair flanking me "Tell me what happened to Gregory."

I flinched at the mention of his name and looked back toward the fire. It was not as though I hadn't been expecting the question. Yet the mere mention of Gregory's name thrust before me that last withered vision I had had of him in Athens. My dismay at the question was increased by the fact that I heard the unmistakable sound of newspapers crinkling behind me. Other club members had heard Douglass' question too. I would have no small audience, even if I couldn't see them all.

"Double Scotch, neat" I answered without looking up from the fire. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Douglass sitting down slowly.

"Scotch?" Douglass said incredulously. Wine, champagne, sherry...I have even known you to drink ale... but scotch? It's unheard of!"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!"

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."

A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you...

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!

A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear,"

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress? The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a Bi*** to iron."

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up into her face and replied, "Well, Ms.Smith, you can't say you weren't warned!

Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. he mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my mom says it's a bitch to iron.

Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation,
We'd soon see the bug that,
Caused such a sensation.

The chips were replaced,
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy,
Wouldn't stop there.

While some folks could think,
They were snug in their beds,
Others had visions,
Of dread in their heads.

And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac,
Had just logged on the Net,
And kicked back with a snack.

When over the server,
There arose such a clatter,
I called Mister Gates,
To see what was the matter.

But he was away,
So I flew like a flash,
Off to my bank,
To withdraw all my cash.

Then word of the shortage,
Caused such a demand,
That the money was gone,
And the streets were all jammed.

When what with my wandering eyes,
Should I see on my screen,
But Millennium Bugsy,
This must be a dream!.

The Hack of all hackers,
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be,
The Y2K bug!

His image downloaded,
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
"Let all systems fall!"

"Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compac,
And Pentium too!

All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!"

All the controls,
That make the planes fly,
And the microwaves for,
The signals they rely.

All through the system,
To me, and to you,
The predictions they made,
Would soon all come true.

And then came a twinkling,
As midnight drew near,
All over the globe,
In each hemisphere.

As I drew in my breath,
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.

He was covered with fur,
With six legs outspread,
Two beady eyes,
And a chip on his head.

With a sack full of virii,
Flung on his back,
He looked like a hacker,
Just waiting to hack.

His eyes - how they twinkled!
His dimples - how merry!
As midnight approached, Though
Things soon became scary.

His droll little mouth was,
Drawn up in a sneer,
While he sat like a kid,
Waiting out the new year.

Two little antenna,
Stuck out of his head,
(Improved his reception,
from what I've heard said.)

He had a broad face,
and a round little belly,
But with six dirty socks,
His feet were quite smelly.

He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him,
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know,
A new feeling of dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.

With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic,
Soon went on the blink.

He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?

Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty glee,
'This has been fun,
I'll see you next century!'"

PORTLAND, Maine -- State government got its first year-2000 computer surprise a few months early when owners of 2000 model cars and trucks received titles identifying their new vehicles as "horseless carriages."

Despite millions of dollars spent to ensure state computers are ready for the year 2000, computers in the secretary of state's office got confused over the 2000 model-year designation.

As a result, some new vehicle owners or lien holders got titles to "horseless carriages" instead of cars or trucks in April.

The case demonstrates the problems that can occur when computers misread the year 2000 as the year 1900, which is what happened in the secretary of state's office.

Since the computer thought the model year was 1900, the titles were printed with the "horseless carriage" designation used for vintage vehicles produced before 1916, said Secretary of State Dan Gwadosky, whose office oversees licensing and registration of vehicles.

About 800 passenger car titles and about 1,200 tractor-trailer titles were issued with the error, Mr. Gwadosky said.

Since few people pay cash for cars, most of the titles went directly to banks and financial institutions.

"Most of them chuckled and said we need a clean title as soon as possible," Mr. Gwadosky said Tuesday.

Gov. Angus King did not know of the problem until reporters asked him about it Tuesday. He said there is no guarantee computers will work properly but he said the state doesn't envision widespread problems with state computers on Jan. 1.

"The major systems that effect health and safety are in pretty good shape," King spokesman Dennis Bailey said. "We're pretty sure if there is a problem, it will be this kind and not something serious."

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 829 to Houston. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants 'fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

In those days the cattlemen were the anointed. They were the grandees of the grass, kings of the kine, lords of the lea, barons of beef and bone. They might have ridden in golden chariots had their tastes so inclined. The cattleman was caught in a stampede of dollars. It seemed to him that he had more money than was decent. But when he had bought a watch with precious stones set in the case so large that they hurt his ribs, and a California saddle with silver nails and Angora skin /suaderos/, and ordered everybody up to the bar for whisky--what else was there for him to spend money for?

The west-bound stopped at San Rosario on time at 8:20 A.M. A man with a thick black-leather wallet under his arm left the train and walked rapidly up the main street of town. There were other passengers who also got off at San Rosario, but they slouched limberly over to the railroad eating-house or the Silver Dollar saloon, or joined the groups of idlers about the station.

Indecision had no part in the movements of the man with the wallet. He was short in stature, but strongly built, with very light, closely trimmed hair, smooth, determined face, and aggressive, gold-rimmed nose glasses. He was well dressed in the prevailing Eastern Style. His air denoted a quiet but conscious reserve force, if not actual authority.

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all." Here are the scorecards from the event:

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a !?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point...... Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
25. Tornado Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, but when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof windshield and smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

We have defined a lower cost alternative for Mac and NT conversions that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue:

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.